Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I had to cum in my sink.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
