Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
