I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
