I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you had me at cake vodka
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
