apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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