There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Never joke about your clitoris.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
