Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
nutella sex= disaster
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
