she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize