he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
