My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
