Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
