oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
