apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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