i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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