I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
