My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
