that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
