first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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