just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so let's talk penis.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
