I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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