I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
