Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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