She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
