what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
false alarm, still single
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
