things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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