I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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