You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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