everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
