Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
