Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
