it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
