Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
