walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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