So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Where is the hickey?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
