i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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