remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
