haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You pole danced in your parka.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How does one acquire holy water?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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