Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
