You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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