so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
