What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
