You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
