If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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