They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
