i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
