Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
