Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
