How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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