I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
