I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
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