I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
