guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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