i just sent this text using only my big toe
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
