worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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