I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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