they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
