I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How naked do you want me to be?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
