i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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