I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is the prime rib incident all over again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
