he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
