Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
